Don’t Be a Casper

Dear Gentlemen of the Internet Dating Universe,


You are not Casper.  You are not a ghost, friendly or otherwise.  You cannot walk through walls and disappear.  Please stop.

The latest of your ilk exchanged a frenzied 568 text messages over a three day period with actual plans made to meet in a week’s time.  First, kudos to him for having something more interesting to say than “Hey” or “Hi there” and actually reaching the stage where I give out my phone number.  Your brother in arms was seemingly smart and witty.  Or at least moderately literate, which is sadly a rarity in the OKC, POF, Match (ad nauseam) World.  Why do I keep returning to these forums in which people think thru is a legitimate spelling of any word?  Yes.  It is a Drive-Thru.  No.  McDonald’s should not dictate proper grammarBecause Hope Springs Eternal.  And then……  And then…..


Grade A David Copperfield vanishing act.  If it were unique I would demand a drum roll and applaud the magic show.  But alas.  It was merely the latest in a slew of disappearing, weak willed boys; boys regardless of their chronological age (38, 42, whatever).

You have all congealed into each other at this point.  There is no differentiating PunkRockSeth from DogLover224 from Looking4U from its­_just_bob.  This Houdini merely absorbed into the gelatinous mass of 14 years of online introductions that balk when push comes to shove and choose silence over being an actual human.

Gentlemen.  Please.  Grow a pair of stones.  I would presume it to be just me but there is an Urban Dictionary entry belying that assumption.  The problem is pervasive enough to warrant an entry.  It states:

GHOSTING:  The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.


I couldn’t have said it better Urban Dictionary.  And before you all get up in arms about how Urban Dictionary is not the real dictionary and try to derail the issue at hand, please refer to the fact WTF, clickbait and photobomb were all recently added to the Merriam-Webster.  Language is ever evolving.  It’s just a matter of time.

Objectively, why wouldn’t you, Caspers of the world, just tell me reason A, B or C why you don’t want to continue communication?  Whatever that reason may be it is far preferable to the silent dematerialization.  Perhaps I said something Red Flag.  I should know that so that I may assess myself.  Perhaps you met a karaoke groupie and flew to the Little White Chapel to get married on the last day you deigned to return a message.  If so, Congratulations!  Maybe the goldfish died.  My sympathies.  Most likely, you decided you were not interested enough to pursue further contact or got scared.  I have no way to know because you chose to disappear instead with merely a ghostly wisp of your texting presence left.

I’m an adult.  You’re an adult.  We all get Adulting sucks.  But.  Part of Adulting is being respectful of other people and acknowledging them as such, as more than messages on a screen.  If I can Adult Up and tell men “Thank you for the interest but I don’t think it would work” why can’t you all muster the same courtesy?  This is not directed at the rare men I’ve met with the proverbial stones to actually say perhaps we are not for each other.  I give credit to them for being real men.  It may have stung my ego a bit they didn’t realize how completely awesome I am but I give them all my respect for closure.  No, I’m looking at you Casper.

There was a time we had to look each other in the eye.  We were people.  Perhaps I merely show my age, or the age of my soul, which happens to be old and crotchety.  It just seems it’s all winky faces and LOL’s and whistling texts now.  There is no connection left, especially when meeting someone online.  It’s too easy to dismiss each other as electronic entities instead of legitimate people in search of legitimate contact.

You are not ‘sparing me’ from hurt over someone I haven’t even met.  But you are draining the Eternal Spring of any hope there are real men left in the world.  I don’t know else to say it.  Nut up Gentlemen.  Don’t be a Casper.  Be a man.





Frustrated  Ghostee Annie C.





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8 thoughts on “Don’t Be a Casper

  1. This is one of those things that exists on both sides of the aisle. I have an inbox full of the beginning and middle of great conversations. A contact list in Kik brimming with people who just disappeared one day, and more than a few dates that never were. For whatever reason, this has become the socially accepted norm. And I hate it.

    You’re right, people aren’t seen as people online. Dating sites have trained us to view dating as a buffet, and no one is going to apologize to the fried chicken because you just noticed the pork chops are stuffed.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have very specific views on this phenomenon, and I feel it really has more to do with the “un-realness” (urban dictionary will never pick that one up btw) of Internet people. We interact briefly with exchanges in FB forums, chat rooms, etc. It can be a great discussion, and then it kind of ends. That person in a way ceases to exist because they are part of Internet works. They can be cool and awesome and gorgeous but until we see them in the flesh they still kind of aren’t real. Same thing with Internet dating. I think ghosting occurs because we live in a world now where fantasy rules over reality. The fantasy you might be better than the real you and I don’t want to destroy it by finding out. In a time where Tinder allows you to order sex like a pizza, technology has taken humanity out of human interactions. On the flip side, being removed from interaction has caused people who disagree with each other to call each other names no decent individual would say to another’s face. Ever. These are weird times we live in. I’m sorry you have to go through this.


  3. Well said, my dear. Unfortunately, as you said, this phenomenon is not limited to one gender over another. Like you, if talking with someone extensively, I feel like they should havd the decency and respect to bow out without ghosting. It is almost understandable when there is nothing in common and it is initial talks…almost…but, if talking over several days…be a man! Or, a woman! Whichever.

    Liked by 1 person

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